Lost in Translation

Ephesians 4: 25) Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26) "In your anger do not sin” Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27) and do not give the devil a foothold.
29) Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30) And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31) Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32) Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

God is a God of relationships. From the creation of man and the first family unit, to the sacrifice of His son to re-establish our relationship to Himself, God has repeatedly demonstrated to us the value of positive relationships. Effective communication can be one of the most difficult aspects of relationships, especially new ones. Just before Thanksgiving, we spent considerable time studying prayer, which is simply communication with God. Communication is a must for healthy relationships, families and churches. Poor communication results in volatile, stagnant, and superficial relationships bound to crumble beneath the weight of real life experience. This is not the will of God for any of us! Time certainly does fly, and I look forward to celebrating this first year of dating my Johnathan. I can’t help but chuckle to myself when reflecting on the earliest communications we shared. More than a few times text messages, voicemails and emails were misinterpreted causing us to hurry to fix hurt feelings and address emotions. Some of what we said in those early days was simply lost in translation as we were learning each other’s unique ways of communicating. Sure there were the typical light-hearted ethereal talks typically found in the early dating process. We chatted happily carefree whilst along the beach, over shared meals and while sitting in gridlocked L.A. traffic. As our relationship evolved, there have been instances of simple misunderstanding that are easily resolved with few lines of conversation, while at other time truly tough issues arise. While my significant other prefers a direct approach and full disclosure, I feel more secure with a more subtle approach in discussing difficult topics. It was not unusual for me to completely withdraw for some time “to think” only to return to the table for a painfully protracted “play by play” of my thought process. His patience with my approach amazes me and I am making concerted efforts to be a more effective communicator in this and other relationships. James 1:5 reminds us that “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all [men] liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.” I am encouraged to pursue the wisdom of God in all things! The power of life and death truly is in the tongue (Proverbs 18:21) and we must wisely use Spirit led communication to bring life to our relationships. I want to highlight several keys to improved communication, including 1) listening, 2) thinking, 3) reframing, and 4) responding (Terminology found @ elitecoachingalliance.com). It is the will of God that our relationships; whether personal, familial, ministerial or professional are holy, healthy, and reflective of God’s grace at all times.

Listen Up!

Our communication with one another must be grounded in love and real love listens! 1 Corinthians 13: 5 reminds us that love “…is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” This is similar to what we see in Ephesians 4:25 as we are told to celebrate the truth with our friends. Conversations couched in love seek to arrive upon the truth, not accuse and catch one another in a lie. Often times we are so anxious for our turn to speak, find a “hole” in the other person’s story, etc, that we fail to listen in love with an open heart. Actively listening in love allows the truth of what the other person is saying to be revealed, even if hidden beneath anger, frustration and anxiety. Give people the opportunity to unburden themselves in such a way that anger can be addressed and resolved, disallowing the devil any “foothold” on the relationship (v. 27). Be an active listener; practice “listening” to the person’s body language, tone and inflections as well as the words they are saying. Listen prayerfully, asking the Holy Spirit to reveal to you what is really being said, so that you may respond appropriately.

Think about it.

James 1 “19) My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20) for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” Effective communication is marked by listening, deliberate thought and proper control of anger. While listening in a spirit of love, you should take the time to think maturely before speaking. 1 Corinthians 13: 11 highlights the truth that operating in love requires Christian maturity; “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.” I consider myself to be relatively mature in many areas, yet I can honestly say that I am not all that I should be when it comes to maturity in communication. I recall having had a long day at work and was leaving my research lab in more than a huff. My phone rang and it was my Johnathan. I immediately began to detail my crazy day and the fact that I was famished. As he started in to say that he was looking for dinner on his side of town, I hastily interrupted declaring that I did not mind eating by myself and that I would “throw something together.” Immediately I knew that the silence on the other end was shock at my tension filled response. He quietly finished the sentence that yes, he was in the process of finding dinner when I called, but that he was more than happy to drive over and have dinner with me. I felt terrible for being so short and rude with my friend. Sure I had had a rough day, but it was immature to fail to listen and speak prior to truly thinking through what had been uttered, especially mid sentence! As mature believers, we cannot allow misplaced emotions and “childish ways” to prohibit us from engaging in effective communication. Instead of jumping in to speak prematurely, we should pause to ponder what the other person is saying as well as what the Holy Spirit desires to speak into the situation. Allow Him the space to give you a clear understanding of what is truly being said. Proverbs 14:29 speaks to this: “People with understanding control their anger; a hot temper shows great foolishness.” We are reminded in our text to “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” (Ephesians 4:31) Taking the time to think, control anger and submit to the leading of the Holy Spirit, can prevent the improper escalation of emotions and the preservation of wholesome relationships.

Speak up!

I love the movie “The Bucket List” and even more so John Mayer’s song found in the film’s musical score; “Say What You Need To Say”. Many of us speak prematurely in some situations while in others we fail to say what needs to be said in the proper way. Anthony Mullins, a Christian life coach who’s website was cited earlier, teaches that listening and thinking should be followed by reframing and responding. To reframe a conversation is to place yourself in the other person’s shoes. Really try to understand where people are coming from. Repeat out loud what was said in your own voice in a sincere attempt to gain needed perspective. Only after we have listened, reflected and reframed the conversation should we speak. Ephesians 4 reminds us: 29) Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." What we say should serve to do more than relieve our own internal tensions. Godly communication aims to build up the hearer, restore wounded relationships and push others closer to God. Our Lord admonishes us in Matthew 12:36 “…You must give an account on judgment day for every idle word you speak. 37 The words you say will either acquit you or condemn you.” God will not allow us to use the excuses of anger, immaturity, frustration or personal hurt for saying harmful things worthy of condemnation. Listen carefully. Think through the conversation. Consider the other person’s perspective as well as the implications of your words. Dare to speak with love and clarity through the empowerment of the Holy Spirit. Say what you need to say, and be sure to do so in love.

Dr.’s Orders
Recall a past instance of miscommunication. Identify ways in which the miscommunication could have been avoided.
Pray that the Holy Spirit will lead you in future communication to listen in love, think with clarity, be sensitive to other people’s perspective and speak in such a way that strengthens personal, family and work relationships.